What more can I ask for ?  I have sweet dreams of our two months eight days with Parker and I thank God for that time. It wasn’t near enough but then what would have been……. Two years eight months……20 years…..no, there never would have been enough time.

I saw something the other day that said God didn’t “take” Parker from us. Instead He opened the Heavens wide and “received” him home. What a beautiful way of looking at our loss and what a wonderful gift to know that Parker is at home with God and that we WILL see him again one day.

When I found out that my daughter was pregnant, my heart immediately filled with love for that precious life growing in her. Jennifer was single and living at home with us at the time. Not the ideal circumstances for a new life but I was still excited at the prospect of becoming a “granny”. I went with Jennifer for her doctor appointments, saw the ultrasounds and heard that precious heartbeat. I was with her in delivery on August 5, 1999 and was granted the honor of cutting the cord and being the first to hold Parker (after his mommy that is!!) What a wonderful awesome experience that was.

 I took a week off from work and stayed at home and helped Jennifer with him. She was home with him then until the 1st of October, when she returned to work. We found a wonderful sitter who we knew would love him just like one of her own grandchildren. He was with her on October 13, 1999 when the angels came to get him and delivered him to Heaven.

 The phone call from her was one I’ll never forget as she could only cry out “Come quick. There’s something wrong with the baby”. I arrived there and took his precious body from her arms and started cpr. I think I knew then that it was already too late but we rushed him to the hospital where they also worked trying to resuscitate him. I have no idea how long it was before the doctor came and told us that he was sorry but they were unable to bring him back.  He was gone.

 Jennifer and I were allowed back in with him where she sat and held him for almost four hours……Four hours of watching the tears stream down her face as she said over and over “I just want him to open his eyes and smile at me”……”I just want him to wake up”. That day I saw a light go out of my own daughter’s eyes. 

I have said since then that I have never “lost” a child to death but I lost a part of my daughter that day. Her heart was broken in so many pieces and I was unable to put it together. My own heart was shattered too. It is said that a grandparent’s grief is like a double edged sword as you grieve for the loss of your grandchild but you also grieve for the loss of a part of your own child. As parents, we want to be able to “fix” our children’s hurts but this is not a hurt we can fix. I have grown through my grief.

I have met some wonderful online friends who have helped me to work my way through the last 6 years. I have found that it helps me if I can help someone else. If I can hold the hand of someone else and help them take a few steps on this journey, then they can also hold my hand when I falter as I still do.

 After six years, I have found that I can remember Parker with joy and I don’t have the gut wrenching horrid pain that I had at the beginning.

 Yes, I still have my moments of tears…..I think I will always have them. Parker was and always will be my first grandchild…..my first grandson.

 I now have two beautiful granddaughters and I delight in every moment with them but I still have a piece of my heart that is missing and always will be.

 I DO feel joy again and that was something I truly wondered for awhile if I would every feel again. I laugh and I FEEL that laughter.